Today is my last day of being 44. 44 was a hard, hard year for me. I lost EVERYTHING including my husband, family, a girlfriend, and the death of my two pugs. I became homeless, hopeless and full of pain I would never wish upon a soul….
44 was a bitch to live through, but there are a lot of good things that happened during my 44th year too. I reconnected with so many good friends and family relationships that had gone neglected. I saw Elton John… TWICE! I drove all the way to New Orleans and back and slept in my van like a cool kid. I began living with a stranger. I went to fucking New York City and saw Hadestown where Andre Deshields winked at me and blew me and my girlfriend a kiss AFTER the last bow! I ate on the subway floor!! I’ve taken a train on Christmas. I’ve messaged another stranger I met three years ago who never writes me back. I puked on myself my first day working at the zoo. I work at the zoo…. I’ve painted so many different people and had so many different conversations. I played in a ukulele circle! I played my tongue drum, flute and didgeridoo at the drum circle I frequent. I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show!
By being left, I was forced to go out into the world. I had no other choice. I’m alive again…. And I’m making house calls!
And through these pains, I will grow. I will thrive. And I will become whole again. I have people who love me dearly. And I have god and all my angels and spirt guides who help me. God sometimes has a great sense of humor. I learned that at 44 too….
This is never where I pictured myself at 44. Single, but not alone…. I’m too loved to be left totally alone, and for that I am blessed and thankful. I’ve got a life to rebuild. 45 should be a good year…. Happy last day together 44… I understand that this year was necessary to put me on a path where I can flourish, but damn if you weren’t aggressively rude! Whew!
Did you know your body can mimic symptoms of a heart attack when one suffers deeply from a broken heart? I know that cause I learned it on greys anatomy…. It’s good to learn things from any place that you can because on more than one occasion, I’ve explained to myself that I wasn’t actually having a heart attack, it just felt like one. The paramedics (ugh yes plural) have told me the same things….
I don’t understand how people have the ability to just pick up and move on with life when something extraordinary happens to them, and act like it never occurred. Good or bad.
My heart hurts…. So much….. I want a hug. I want to run my hands down my daughters back… I want to sing a song with my basset hound…
I will survive this, but my heart won’t. I feel like Medusa. Her entire story honestly…. Betrayed by those who she trusted, abused by those sworn to protect her, and all the blame placed on her for being a stone cold monster.
Hell… if I could turn people into stone who try to get in my secret lair, you’d betta bet I’d have a nice set of garden statues!!!
I hurt so much. I feel so alone. I need a hug. A genuine let me blow snot all over your shirt cause I’m crying so hard hug. This wasn’t my plan…. This wasn’t my plan.
Today I was driving to my doctors appointment…. I was at ZERO on my gas, so I had to get off early. Took me a hot minute to find where a gas station was, you’d think I was in NYC….
Well I found my gas, rescheduled my appointment because by that time I was late. Took a few strange turns and happened upon a clearly homeless woman walking down the street. She had her big ole shopping bag, full of more stuff than even I would tote around if I were in her shoes. She was profusely sweating, older, so beautiful and heartbreaking. I stopped my car, got out and gave her the drink and snack I had just got and began talking to her about resources to help people who were homeless. I talked with her for about 10 minutes, when she invited me down to hertz donuts to chat with her and listen to some music. I hugged her, held my hand to her face and told her I’d come see her and we could listen to some Etta James and Floyd Dixon. I then began singing 450 pound woman in the middle of the street without a care in the world. Her eyes lit up, bright. She fist bumped me and belly laughed… and kept offering to give me back my gardettos. No miss Renata…. You keep those gardettos and we will have some donuts and coffee soon…
I was so moved by the interaction that I just turned down a few more random streets and happened upon a LOVELY cemetery…. I absolutely love cemeteries…. They are so calm, peaceful, and great for finding conversations and figuring things out…. I love the headstones…. The families who are side by side even after death….
The time is 4:56, but the 5:00 church Bells are ringing….
I need to charge my phone up so I can make a playlist for miss Renata….
Life is so fucking great today. I’m so glad I took whatever weird wrong turns that got me to the knolls, carrols, and miss Renata.
What’s love? Well kind reader that really depends on who I’m talking with… how old are you? What life have you lived? Who have you shared your life with, and what have you done?
Aye, I hear Ed Sheeran singing so alluring in the background…. Perfect… He seems to have transported me in time… I’m about 27…. God it’s amazing… I feel the cold evening grass on my feet. I knew I should have put my shoes on, but I was just running out to put up the kids toys 🧸 …. I’m pulled from behind into the warmth of my husband… kisses 😘 all over my display of fake irritation while three little faces peer from between my thighs wanting to be included in the moment…
Such beauty…. It’s real…. It’s love…. It happened…
Now ole Ed is singing Shivers…. I think we all know the places I’m transported when listening to that… if not, just listen 👂 for 30 seconds and you’ll get it…
Is that love? Yeah…. It is. I love being sexy. I’ve lost that girl, I’m working to get her back, but yes…
So many people come to me for twin flame readings and advice… it’s like the universe was alerted to my awakening.
If you’re reading this it’s because A) you know me B) you want to know me… C) ya nosey 👃 D) you want to know about twin flames…
let me start with the basics
Understanding # 1 SPOILER ALERT 🚨 It’s not about romance and sex…
Sorry to ruin it for you, but that’s the t. Below I referenced an article I’ve recently shared with someone who came to me with questions about twin flames…
https://www.brides.com/twin-flame-love-5097590
Take time to read if this message is for you… if not, what are you still doing reading this crap?
Understanding #2 Another spoiler alert 🚨 These connections are rare. Most people do not have a twin flame. Do your research…. Read, study and deduce if you want to make it through without losing your mind… if you’re willing to spend time doing your homework you’ll be able to assess for yourself if that is what you’re really experiencing or if you’re just wanting to attach a fancy title to some cheese 🧀 dick you met on the subway…
Allow me to discuss this further. In order to have a twin flame, something in your life caused your soul to split. This is a mirror 🪞 connection. Most people in life don’t experience these types of splits or connections and that’s good! Great in fact!!
Understanding # 3 Trust the process… this is a journey of the self and the soul…. About aligning yourself with your higher purpose… People who have higher purposes and callings will not be able to escape this connection. Go ahead and try…. I’ll laugh through the tears of craziness with you…
Focus… on your damn self…. Dooooo it! Shut that shit down, or you’re never gonna get through this crap…
Aye!! 📣📣 For YEARS I used to have prison pen pals… My longest correspondence was for 4 years with a man named James… He’s who got me started… Years later I found a website called “write a prisoner” www.write a prisoner.com where I was able to browse prisoner profiles and find new people who I found intriguing to write to…
Welllll…. Anita has alwayyys been a writer…. People from my early teen years back at the children’s home can tell you all about my “letters to Jody.” BINDERS AND BINDERS full of loose-leaf notebook paper…. That’s where my writing began…. I needed an outlet to express myself… As the years went on, the names of the recipients changed, and the binders evolved… Until I got married…. At that point my life changed, and I married a living breathing journal who spoke back… A few years passed and that is where I found myself thinking back to my relationship with James. I wondered where he was, how he was, so I decided to go a googling around to see what I could dig up…. (Also be careful when googling about caring for dolphins…. It took me strange places back in 2003.)
WRITE A PRISONER!
Bam…. My inspiration came back…. I spent the better part of the morning ☕️perusing the prison-personal-ads…. I read their stories, looked at their 🏋️♂️pictures… And picked about 10 to send a basic intro message to…. All different facilities, all death-row or life sentences…. You see, I was looking for long term…
Well, they wrote back…. ALL OF THEM!!!
but the problem is…. SO DID ALL OF THE OTHERS who I messaged while waiting to receive my responses!!!! 📃📃📑
Well shit…. What now??? I went through, chose the words I connected to and began there…
Days later I realized I needed a system…
Soooooo…. Back to the binders! 📘📗📙 Tabbed with inmate name Wrap sheet in front. All of our correspondence (including copies of my letters) in order.
You see, it was never about me…. It was about needing to express… needing someone, anyone to understand my 🧠mind…. With writing, you can’t change what is documented… I can create any 🌏world, any 🏰place, memory 👨👩👧👦🏡👯♀️❤️with the stroke of a 🔏pen…. Enter the art 👩🏻🎨phase of my life and where I began to begin trying to capture emotions through 🖼images…
This is now beyond blog level, so I’m going to take this intro over to the extended on my WordPress blog and continue this developing thought….
Stay tuned…📻 may be an hour, may be a month…. Timing is of the essence…
Caught up? Ready for more? The 💔😭😭🌪🌊🌩🌨📆💋dirty details I suppose?
Aye, you won’t get those unless you’re smart… unless you know how to read 🤓📖and to think…
I met someone who 🎆🎊inspired me…. A friend who evoked emotions and thoughts I’d never experienced in my life!!
Oh the places they had 🎊🎊🗿🏔🏟🗽🌋🗼🌉🌎🛩travelled! The things they had seen… the life they had led!! And then this friend was taken from me… Suddenly, without warning…. Even our messages, the words were gone. My phone reset… This stranger…. Who I didn’t even know their last name! Were they even real?! Was my poor crazy creative mind finally at her breaking point so much that I had actually made up an 🌪⛈entire person??? A 2 week period of time, thoughts, feelings, hopes… poof! My phone reset, I lost all the messages that had been exchanged…. Was I crazy?? Did it happen?? Where was my proof…
So I brushed off my crayon box and made my very first original concept…
I didn’t have a clue of how to sketch… Up until then, I’d had other hands more skilled than mine duplicate a picture of work that inspired me and I would paint it.
But I couldn’t show this to anyone… There was no way to make anyone understand how I was feeling, or for me to even trust myself… So I had to learn to do it for myself… to make it for myself… I needed to get it out… so maybe it was real…
I didnt have pictures of my life before the fire… I didnt have words that kept a record of memories or cards we had exchanged through the years… Because of that other people were able to go in and distort them… people made me believe a lot of untruths and my mind, my memories, emotions I thought had exsisted for years were gone, and my present life was excruciating therefore supporting their arguments…
Leave me alone with my crayons 🖍. I could practice and it was safe…
I trusted the process…
Now, I’ve learned…. I post my work all along the way for people to see my progress, but if you notice you never see the final. I don’t ever post the final of my work, but I always allow everyone to see what it has taken me to get there…
To date, not a soul has ever messaged me asking for a picture of the final…
Im okay that I am not noticed… I like it that way… it’s part of the art concept I am working on at this exact moment…
Day 2. Or 3? No. It’s Sunday, don’t you remember? You’re supposed to light the sticks from underneath the watchtower.
Seeing is believing…. I know if I light the sticks, the fires will bellow and my signal will be seen…. All is well in the world unless the fields are barren of wood.
Oh Ye of little faith, did you forget to bring your matches? How do you expect to start the fire? You knew you were coming here? Why didn’t you properly prepare?
How do we prepare? For what? Lighting the watchtowers? Or work on Tuesdays? For a flat tire? For a baby…. For life?
I don’t think I know the answers to anything to be honest. I remember back when I knew all sorts of answers to damn near everything…. Until I learned that I was wrong, but then it was okay… I knew the answers now…. Until I didn’t….
Now I know that if you’re lucky enough to be right about one thing, you’d better now down and give a big ole “THANK YOU” to any all of of the uppers and ancestors who had a hand in helping me figure it out….
My mind isn’t able to deal with a lot of things…. Things that other people in the world don’t even consider…. I went to a family dinner at a nice restaurant a few months back… it was a beautiful place, everyone was having a great time and getting reacquainted with one another… The tablecloth was bright white, the oversized dining chairs covered in beautiful fabric, the menu without prices….
Having lived with agoraphobia, I hadn’t been to a nice restaurant in YEARS… and one like that, even longer…. I’m unable to work, my disability check got pulled, I’m almost positive my pants are from a thrift store, and I’m sitting in a fancy ass restaurant with all these lovely people looking at me, asking me about my life and what kind of food sounds good to me, and there isn’t a dollar sign I can possibly understand on the menu… I know that couldn’t mean that much per person, right?!! Didn’t I suggest eating at this place?!! What the hell is wrong with me?!! Why doesn’t my son talk to me?!! Why is she talking about giving birth to her son when mine won’t even talk to me?!! IS THAT FUCKING NUMBER PER PERSON?!! I DON’T HAVE A JOB, IM SO SORRY I SUGGESTED THIS PLACE I HAD NO IDEA IT COST MONEY!!!!!
Losing it in front of family you haven’t seen in years hurts… sure, everyone is kind, nobody is anything but… however, that isn’t the point…. The point is how far out do we have to plan out in life to know that we are “safe.” In my mind, I did amazing!! I got my disabled, broke ass to Michigan, made plans to see family I hadn’t seen in 15 years, and even got inside the restaurant without having a panic attack…. And then WHAM….
I have faith…. But I am afraid… I’m terrified…. I feel things, I think things, that seem to make sense?… things that have a higher meaning of sorts…. Things, people, music that resonate with my soul…. But why? Why are these thoughts, signs, people and feelings put into my path if I cannot figure out how to obtain them??? Why do I have these desires, to the point of making plans without the means to carry through?
When I got sick, I resigned to a small life…. A really, really small life… but it was still filled with so many people…. A lot happened…. Kids grew up and moved away, friends turned into enemies when I wasn’t able to continue giving, and my super fragile heart was empty…. All of a sudden my small life…. Wasn’t there anymore…. But I was…. And I was super fucking lonely….
I’m trying again…. But I’m terrified…. I don’t know who or what to expect in the real world…. I remember menus used to have prices on them…. I remember milk was $2.79 the last time I was in a grocery store…. I don’t know how much it is now. I don’t know anything really about money, prices or the real world…. See the problem? I live in the real world… or at least I pretend to 🧙🏻♂️(I’m a mf’n sorcerer 🧙🏻♀️).
I don’t have a concept of this reality… I know I dislike it so much. I despise money, and that’s not because I don’t have any…. If you know me at all, you know damn good and well that I’ve taken in a HAREM OF CHILDREN that we have NEVER RECEIVED A SINGLE PENNY FROM (outside of food assistance programs and Medicaid) Because of the way they were placed with us (family signing them over before CPS removal) … I’ve always been the “build a bigger table” sort which in retrospect is why god gave me a newsstand budget…. Can you imagine the trouble I would have gotten myself into if I had $$$ to go along with my codependency?!!!! Shit…. But now I find myself planning… planning what? Why? Where?! How?!! I don’t know those answers…. Do you? That’s the reason I started this blog remember? I was trying to figure something out…. Now I’ve written all of this and I still don’t know if there’s enough wood 🪵 to gather for next weeks fire…. Good thing I have this mustard seed….
I was chatting with my girlfriend over coffee and weed this morning and we got to talking about the changes that are happening in my life when it dawned on me that people are going to see me now…. And that felt sooooo gross…. Being a big ole gal, momma has a way of scaring off the majority of society, but when it’s all gone…. Oof 😰
Crazy huh? You think I’d be happy about people seeing me, thinking I’m beautiful, finding themselves lost in conversation with the attractive thin lady… 😤🤬😰🥵
I’m not…. I’m dreading it in fact…. Gross 🤮!!! Get away from me you vile heathens!! I wouldn’t staunch the bleeding with the hem of my undergarments, at the verbal massacre you will receive from my lips 👄 if you dare even consider pushing your energy on me…. IM INVISIBLE TO YOU!!!
If you COULDN’T see me before, and are kind, I’m so happy to help you understand….
If you WOULDN’T see me before, and are now, 🤫🥱🖕🏼🤮…. Go away because the damage you’ve done to me is going to be coming out of my mouth with surgical precision and I’m only here to harvest….
Be better, want better, and CHECK YOUR MF’en energy!!
Thirty-(or Forty)Something 