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Thirty-Something

Musings and fuckery

Too much for one blog: part 2 (family breakdown) 

I’ve mentioned my family before, but let me map everyone out with alternative names for you…

Husband-  let’s name him Gian. -38 

Son- Elijah – 17.  Has aspergers, social anxiety, disgraphia, and depression. He graduated from high school at 16 and is a 4.0 college student.  

Daughter- Alex.-16.  Alex is technically my stepdaughter.  I had eli and he had Alex before we got married.  We have had custody of Alex since she was three. She is a junior in high school, but is also a freshman in college.  When she graduates next year she will have an associates degree and be a junior in college… At 17 years old no less….  

daughter- Gianna.- 14.  Freshman in highschool, no serious academic achievements yet, but she has plans to do the same program her sister is doing.

We have raised three happy, intelligent and productive children…  

Enter Tituba.  That’s a nickname by the way.  

About 9 months ago, our family was harry pottered a baby.  Yup, drop off and go.  No joke.  An acquaintance (at the time) had a close friend who long story short had been given a baby she didn’t want, and couldn’t care for.  I offered to facilitate an adoption because I know a multitude of families wanting children but unable to have them…  We agreed on a two week trial period where the adopted mom (who had lost an infant a year prior and she was barreling through depression and a heavy drug addiction to prescription and street (hard) drugs) could take the time and make sure it was what she wanted…  Again,long story short, the baby ended up staying with us (cps got involved) and we are now in the adoption process….  

The baby was born addidced to countless drugs, including but not limited to Meth, heroin, cocaine, and I’m not sure of the others…  

After that, she was kept strapped in a car seat or in her crib until we got her at 15 months.  She could not walk, crawl, and was very weak and sick when we got her….  We have been working with specialist on catching her up, and she has made such an extraordinary turn around!!!  She is now happy, confident, and has a love and sparkle in her eyes!!! Her personality is in full swing development, and she is surrounded by a village of love!!!  

So here’s the kicker…  First off, we didn’t really plan on more kids, lol…and I was a good girl and didn’t get pregnant!!  Now, even though we NEVER registered to be foster parents, the cps worker has decided we are his favorite people!!! The adopted mother is pregnant, due in may, and cps has already explained to us that the child will be immediately placed into their custody, and they asked us to take this baby!!!  

How strange is it that some people wait their entire lives for a child, yet people keep giving us children??????    

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Too much for one blog

Really… I will probably have to break this mind dump up into a coup!e of few blogs…..  Let me start with I’ve been sick.     Very, very sick.  I’m not sure what type of plague stomach virus hit me, but it is the worst I’ve ever had in my life.  I couldn’t keep a single thing down for about three- four days, and I am still suffering from intense stomach cramps.  Yes I’ve already been to the doctor, only because it was so vicious I thought there might be something more serious wrong with me….  I’m still not convinced there isn’t more involved because I’m still suffering abdominal nausea and cramps…

Anyways.      During this time, I obviously wasn’t taking any of my prescription meds because I was terrified they would add additional nausea to my worsening state…  Well, of course I ended up going through a MAJOR breakdown (or three) but as of Thursday it will be a week.  I took two of my klonopin yesterday and today, but other than that, I’m off…  I talked to my husband about it, and we came to an agreement to try it..  Why?? BECAUSE MY BRAIN FEELS HEALTHIER!!!  when I realized this, I began researching the effects antipsychotic medications have on you after a period of time, and I suffer from EVERY single ailment on the list!!!  How scary is that????  I’m being carefully monitored, by my loving husband and family, and am taking care to be aware of my moods, emotions, and other things that could be altered, but I do feel so much better already….  It is scary to think that the drugs I was prescribed to improve my condition, symptoms and quality of life, actually are what caused me to sink lower than I’ve ever been in my life!!!  The images I posted were all saved right before this purge of sorts my body decided it was time for…..  Now, I look at them and think how sad they all are….  I remember who i was…  Who i am…  Who i am without the myriad of medications that have been pumped into my system by a drive through psycharist…. I’ll keep updating on how that process progresses, and move on to the second portion of my blog titled “too much for one blog:part 2”. 

Beautiful oblivion

I prayed for death.  Prayed to just sleep and never wake up.  Fuck, I’ve begged for it.  I don’t understand why I am even here anymore.  I know it isn’t because I want to be…

I’ve spent the day wanting to spend time with my husband.  It didn’t happen of course.  He loves spending time at the store, and with the people who come to the store, but staying awake for over 30 minutes with me seems to be a legitiment inpossibility.  I don’t know what the fuck a date feels like….  I don’t remember sex.  He is nice.  Why do I bitch?  

Just die already you dumb bitch.  He falls asleep because why would anyone ever want to be with you?  You aren’t the person you were before.  You spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week wanting to be dead.  No wonder you’re fucking lonely.  

I left the house for a couple of hours on Saturday.  I was proud of myself.  I tried to go on Sunday,but it didn’t work out because I needed to stay with the baby.  I love her, so very much, and I’m happy to step up and be the mother that she needs, it just has set me back so much.  I wouldn’t change it.   Without me, our family, this precious baby wouldn’t have a single person in the world to love her.  She’s been tossed around, neglected and abused all in her short 15 months of life before we got her.  We have had her for almost nine months now, and she’s so happy!  She walks now, is learning, and is loved.  I know the drugs she was born with in her system will be a long hard road to overcome, combined with her life before us, but she is doing amazing.  

So that’s what my life has been for the past nine months….  Mommy again.  My youngest was 14 when we were given the baby.  So basically we set the reset button and all I’ve been doing is staying here with her. 

My husband finally invited me to do something for the first time in so long I really don’t remember…. He invited me to go to breakfast with him this morning….  

He hasn’t gotten up yet and I’m worried.  I’m really afraid of how it will impact me if he doesn’t wake up to go.  Last night before he went to bed he promised me….   I hope….    

If I went to this play written in interview with the vampire, I would be so sexually charged I would probably combustably orgasm in the theatre!  

16 years, and whadda ya get? 

Once upon a time, we were in love…..

Then happened. 

I told you that life happening, but you didn’t do anything to change it.

I longed for your attention, you ignored my plea.

I kept trying to believe in you, you kept failing.

I helped open a business for you, and when it was clear that it was a failure, you ignored me and brought us even further down in debt. 

We used to have coffee, dinner, movies…  Now we have fights… That’s when we talk.  

Where are my sister witches?  I’m new to blogging and hoping to connect with some like minds!  

It isn’t as much fun crocheting when you’re not stoned. 

Life in prison 

I think that the worst part of having agoraphobia and anxiety is when you’re hungry, or have cabin fever…. Yes, even agoraphobics can have cabin fever… In fact, we have it all the time…  We think about the things we used to do, the places we used to visit, our favorite places we would eat….  And then you find yourself…  Frozen….  I haven’t eaten in two days, and I’ve drank exactly on glass of water, 1/2 a cup of coffee and one soda.  So when someone asks if this disability is real?  Think about this shit.  The pain of life outweighs my hunger any day of the week….  I type this feeling utterly alone while I am in a house with six other people.  I know it is easy to say that the grass is greener on the other side, but being held captive inside of my mental prison to me is a life sentence and not one that I committed the offense to be condemned to….  

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