Gave her a bath.  A wonderful, wonderful bath.  I combed her hair.  It was so pretty.  

I scrubbed the fridge.  I scrubbed the toilet.  I fought and fought for help cleaning the things that my mind and body would not allow me to look at let alone touch.

Screaming.  Fighting.  Yelling.  Judging.  Screaming.  Hate.

I said “TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR!!”. So she finally got in.  She was diagnosed with a horrid case of strep.  She is 16, driving, in college, has a job, but refused to take her antibiotic as instructed.  When I tell her ” TAKE IT!!!”. I am mocked.  When she tells me she feels horrible, I tell her strep travels and won’t let your body recover without taking the full amount of prescribed medication….  She laughs and mocks me..”strep travels??” As she laughs to herself.  Treats me like I’m crazy.  

I tell my family that nobody is allowed over until the house is clean…  I’m ignored.  Mocked…  Questioned…  Guilted..  “But she’s like family…  All she has is us!”. ” I thought you had a soft spot for her!!”. 

I ask to leave the house.  To go on a short shopping trip with my husband and his friend a town over.  I made an effort.  An agoraphobic, depressive psychosis, ocd, anxiety ridden me has been trying… Hard…. I was told the car was too messy and I should stay home.  

Of course, I do as told.  

I ask to go to our store to work on my art I’ve so desperately been trying to work on.  I’m told to stay home because the water isn’t working there.

Of course I do as I’m told.  I’m a good girl you see.

I ask for these cubby boxes to be bought so I can try to organize the baby’s clothing.  I ask for a chest of drawers.  I ask for the Cubby’s.  The cycle continues.  I want to try housework.  I want to contribute.  I want to be heard.  I’m told no.  Again…

So I put on Harry Potter and go to sleep because that is what good girls do……. 

Goodnight.  Time to sleep again.  I’m too big of a pussy to kill myself.  Fuck it.  

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