The pot fairy came and not a moment too soon!!!  What the fuck was all that about?!!  I starting  crying at 6:00, and didn’t stop until about 11:00!  Jesus, that was a serious low swing!!  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m depressed, but wow!  I even shocked myself with that one.   

As dumb as this sounds… I think it’s because I didn’t smoke for two days….  Don’t get huffy and think “she should be medicated by a professional….”.  If that’s you, then seriously…  Do us both a favor and get the fuck off of my blog…

Now, for the rest of you chill cool, non-judgy folks, HI!  thanks for reading!!!  Thank you for being my secret outlet to the world.  You’re learning all of my deepest, darkest, innermost emotions that nobody else alive is privy to!!!  I have to maintain some sort of image after all….  Can’t have a small-town family- business owner spilling her guts for all of this here christian, republican, backward thinking, trump supporting, redneck racisist chasing me down with ye ole torch and pitchfork!!  

Anyway….  Yes, I am medicated…  And well….  I’ve been under the care of a doctor for five years now.  Three of which I have claimed and qualified for disability…  I didn’t file for the first two years…  Yes, I am on full disability because of my conditions.  

What are those conditions?  Ocd is listed as primary, anxiety umbrella including but not limited to panic attacks, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, two “phobias I can’t recall the names of, agoraphobia, depression, and well…  That’s just the tip of the iceburg.

I’m a textbook copy of a prime candidate for mental disorders…  Just as fucked up childhood as you’d read about in your upper level psych college courses…  Here’s the kicker… I fucking fought it…  I fought it like a bitch!  And I won!  I beat that shit!!!  It was always there…  Lurking…  Breathing against my neck….  Trying to caress me into its embrace…. Like a fucking mythological siren it called to me….  Just like anyone, I tried so damn hard to resist the sirens call….  And just like anyone who has encountered the siren….  I was captured….  

A few months ago, well… 7 to be matter of fact, we were given a baby…  Unexpected, out of the blue…  Well, kinda…   I volunteered to a mural friend that I’d foster the baby for two weeks and arrange an adoption…  Well, very long story shortened for now, she grew too attached to us and we kept her.   She was born a drug baby, and has been tossed around since birth.  Nobody ever loving her until us.

So bam, I’m a mom again…  Much to my dismay.  And please don’t misunderstand me… I love her!  She’s my daughter!  I have three other children and she’s just as much mine as they are (only been pregnant twice but I’ve got four kids…  Wtf!?!?) But my youngest is a freshman in highschool…  All three are A students, with collegial achievements accomplished before they’ve even graduated.  Our schools have special programs for those students who preform at a higher level.  

Anyway….  What I’m leading up to, is dispite all of my prescribed medications, I wasn’t ever really free of that deadly sirens caress until I began to smoke….  I am functional now, I can laugh, I’m more easy going, and much happier.   

I was googling “suicide” and then had a smoke and I began to feel the improvement.  I then remembered that I had not felt this low since before I started smoking!  Not one time have I hit this low since I picked up the habit…

So seriously… If you’re considering suicide, do us both a favor (me because maybe you’ll comment on my blog and it is brand new after all) and smoke some pot.  Then, smoke some more!  I hope this helps you, or at least took your mind off of shit for a minute!