So…  recently, I’ve watched the movie the martian and I had some interesting thoughts….

sidenote:  if you haven’t watched the show, it’s a great time killer.

while watching the movie, I watched the main character…  his never faltering determination to live…  to keep fighting.  the soab was on Mars!!  There was basically zero chance of survival, but instead of being depressed and accepting his fate, he fought….  he planned….  he lived….

I’ve never actually watched a movie and had this thought  process…  but it made me realize that depression screening must be part of the space astronaut program.  How challenging must that be?  I wonder if people who are predisposed, but haven’t yet suffered from depression and other mental disorders are disqualified too…  strange musings, but it pulled out the significance of a healthy mind in certain career paths….

then it made me think about how this type of screening would be beneficial in other positions in life…

being a person who struggles with an array of afflictions, I can testify that the medications (and I’ve been on them all) are helpful….  they dull the pain so to speak, but by no means are they a cure…  it’s like eating a bag of chips and skipping your meals…

I’ve really mulled over being an astronaut in his position would be….  how secluded you could be…  how the will to live, to survive, to even find the strength to shower would be so taxing…  and he never failed….

then I flip the mirror and look at myself and can’t figure out for the life of me how I’ve gotten to the level of misery I have become.

The lack of caring.  the lack of will…  the sheer “fuck it all” truth of my mindset.  I just don’t give a fuck anymore.  I don’t give a fuck if I don’t shower.  I don’t give a fuck about the house.  I don’t give a fuck about myself, my life, my family…  frankly my darling….  I don’t give a damn…

Is it the Ocd?  the depression?  the anxiety?  the agoraphobia?  what the hell can make a woman who had the world at her fingertips stop trying to live in her mid thirties??

A kind, intelligent, beautiful, determined woman!   It shows me that disabilities simply take all prisoners…  they don’t care about your past, future, social standing, sexual orientation….  sure there are things that can happen to fight natural selection…  have normal nice parents, no financial struggles, no physical afflictions, etc. but then you still have a chance!

then comes the circle….  is your disability causing your life to suck, or do you have the disability because your life sucks?  did you gain the weight because you’re depressed, or are you depressed because you gained the weight?  are you trapped in the house because you’re agoraphobic, or are you agoraphobic because you’ve been trapped in the house so much and for so long?

it’s a damn circle….  and I don’t think there is a defined answer for theoretical or scientific purposes…  just makes you ponder things…